kaela hill

Bad spam translation from my work e-mail

Hot Water Drama

I’m finally on vacation and am loving every minute of it. I flew into Aspen, Colorado saturday night to visit my parents in our summer house. I usually come to colorado once a year, and I’m thrilled to be back. I love almost everything about it: the way the air smells so fresh, the variety of outdoor activities, the breezy cool weather, the down to earth people, and how the grocery store has so much organic stuff and everyone seems to be environmental.

But one thing that isn’t so great is that the tap water is unbearably cold. Probably like 50 degrees if I had to guess. Normally, this isn’t a big deal….but it becomes especially unbearable when your hot water heater is broken. It’s soooo cold, I can’t even swish water around in my mouth after I brush my teeth without cringing. 

As they say, you gotta make lemonade out of lemons, so we’ve been boiling hot water and taking sponge baths. Now I know why people in the olden days only washed themselves like once a month.

Yesterday morning, the repairman comes in fixes the hot water. Just so happens that our water heater is an out dated piece of crap that the fire department considers a fire hazard. It also has ridiculously high levels of CO2, which poses the threat of carbon monoxide poisoning. So he pretty much said leave your doors and windows open and good luck.

Since I’d rather not die in my sleep, I installed 3 CO2 detectors in our house. 

Gayest Night Eva.

I recently made a spontaneous trip to Atlanta with my friends Jason and Michael to visit Brett and celebrate Michael’s 24th birthday. I was pretty excited about going, mainly because I was ready to experience the night life of a big city. 

Brett and I were completely outnumbered by gay men, which is fine by me, but I guess I should have seen it coming. Atlanta is probably the most homosexual-friendly place I’ve ever been. Who knew? So when we decide to go out and the 3 gay men want to go to the gay club, the 2 straight people are pretty much shit out of luck. So I’m thinking, this will be fun…gay men are better dancers and at least I’ll know that no one will be trying to reach up my skirt on the dance floor.

So we arrived at the club, which will remain unnamed, and I quickly realize that I am the only girl in sight. I go straight for the bar to ease the embarrassment, and I notice that maybe 70% of the men in there have their shirts off. So I’m thinking, wow this is pretty hard core…and that was just the tip of the iceberg.

As I’m trying to down my drink, I explore a bit and find myself standing in a sex shop. Yes, a sex shop INSIDE the club with leather and spiked apparel! I browse the shop in amazement and eventually decide I have to use the ladies room. Hmmm, where to find a ladies room in a gay men’s club, oh that’s right, there isn’t one. This place was soooo gay, even my gay friends were freaked out. Needless to say, we all huddled in the handicap bathroom out of fear. 

I then enter a dark room, and am immediately escorted out by a man who looks at me and explains: “honey, trust me you do not want to go in there.” God knows what was happening in there, but I could make a pretty good educated guess. To top it off, men pointed me out and laughed at me throughout the night. Silly straight girl, she’s so cute, what the hell was she thinking. I pity Brett the most, because it must have been pretty scary being a straight guy in a room full of half-naked, drunk gay men.

What an experience, it was almost worth it to have such a ridiculous story to tell.

Slave Alex, I don't believe in having slaves...but thanks for the offer?

The following is the most bizarre message I have ever recieved on my flickr account, I’m guessing in response to this picture of my feet (which I don’t find particularly attractive, but apparently a lot of guys with foot fetishes do).

Hello Princess:

Let me to say you that you have the most beautiful feet that I have seen in my life. your friend is very very lucky he can smell your feet, if you will let me smell your feet my face it is not same like him. Let me to say you that I am your feet’s fan. Thank you very much for your photos and your albums.

Pardon for this message and for my English who is very bad. I explain you my message I am a Spanish slave and now I don’t have owner. I am looking for a Princess, that she want have a slave, a maid, a butler, a servant at her service.

will be dream to be able to get to be your servant, your maid, your butler, your houseboy, your cleanerhouse, and your slave. I have 5 years of experience in the submission and the servitude of a Woman, I had been her maid, her servant and the her partner’s servant from 5 years ago.

it is a dream for me to be able to be your servant your real slave a live in slave. Serious a dream to be able to your slave and be able to belong to you, To your feet my Princess.

If you wish to have vacations/holidays in Spain in a house on the beach, you have here your house and a slave 24 hours to the day to your service Princess, you could come with your partner or friends and if your will order me I will be servant of them too.

I wish be a maid lifestyle.

At your feet always

Slave Alex

Dear Rotten Tomatoes,